#4 Solo-travelling: An inconvenient truth
Travel the world - they say. I
t's gonna be amazing - they say.
You are so brave for doing it - they say.
I wish I would have the courage to do this - so they say.
Now let's be real: being able to travel the world IS amazing. I am truly grateful that my job allows me to take a 6-months sabbatical knowing that my job is there for me upon my return. I had the financial resources to safe up money in preparation to this and I have amazing people in my close circle (partner, parents, friends) who support me in all their possible ways.
There is little that competes with this trilling feeling if being totally and utterly alife when you discover Jaipur in a TukTuk.
This explosion of taste and spices when you try true, authentic Indian food for the first time.
This breath-taking feeling of freedom as a solo-traveler, knowing you can change your plans at any given moment.
But.
Traveling alone also has a shadow side.
This crenching feeling of loneliness. The desperate need for a shoulder to lean against. The wish for someone to be at your side when you exploring Delhi's streets for the first time.
This constant scent of possible danger as a solo female traveler.
To be clear.
I have not, so far, come across a situation where I felt actively threatened. But I had multiple situations where I felt highly uneasy up to simply not safe. The moments where my senses where on high alert, my eyes scanning possible side-streets, cars around me and the expression of the people watching me. Where my muscles where active and I was ready to fight it flight at any moment. While -at the same time if course- acting as if I feel totally in control, walking upright with not too fast, solid steps, keeping my eyes at th road ahead and ignoring the calls and shouts of people around me. Needing to look down on Google maps on my phone repeatedly to get directions, while holding the phone tight with two hands, knowing that this is not the area where I want to stand still and orient myself.
There where moments where I wanted to go to a shop, but turned around when I realised that it was on the 3rd floor of an abandoned shopping centre.
I do believe that horrible things can happen in Amsterdam, Berlin or anywhere else in Europe.
But I must say - not feeling safe and being constantly on guard and (highly) vigilant during the whole day I am outside - in bright daylight - is something different. And this feeling changes when I explored the streets with a hostel-friend.
It is the first time that I wish I would not travel alone, the first time that I with for another being to be at my side. And more then once did I think about taking the next plane back home.
I don't mean to dis-courage every female being to come and explore India. Not. At. Al.
Use you're senses. Use your intuition. When you get an off-feeling, don't rationalise it. Get out of there. Probably there where situations I would have been fine and where I overreacted. So what?
This journey brings me in touch with my soft, female, intuitive side on so many levels. All my senses are active. And more. My inner knowing returns. This quiet, very silent voice deep inside me that tells me it's okay to trust. That subtle voice that often gets lost in the screams and shouts and tantrums of my anxiety.
There was a situation, where a Tuk-Tuk driver, his name was Hahn, who picked me up from the station, offered to give me a your through the city for the rest of the day and drop me of back at my hostel at the end of the day. My initial reaction was: NO WAY! But there was something else that caused me to listen again. And there it was: the tiny, little inner knowing that told me to say 'yes'. That reminded me it was only early in the morning and, more important, that I am not a helpless victim. That I can take care of and defend myself if really needed.
So I said yes - and I had an amazing fun day with Hahn, exploring side-streets of Agra and had delicious food.
When all my senses are on overload, there is something else I should direct my focus on: call it inner-knowing, intuition or spirits looking out for me. It is in the loud, chaotic, buzzing streets of India that I rekindle my inner voice. The voice that guided me to do the yoga teacher training. The voice that guided me to take your sabbatical. The voice that guids me to, despite everything else, TRUST.
I did not anticipate this hard-ship when I came here. But for me travelling is also about intentionally putting myself out of my comfort zone to grow. I fact, this is what I was craving. So in a weird, masochistic way, I enjoy all the feelings that crush over me. Because they lead me the way where I can still grow.
